Knock that shit off

I came across something today from blogger Bacon and Juice Boxes: Our Life With Autism that was posted on their Facebook and it really hit me as something that I have been really struggling with lately.

'Caught you comparing again.
Knock that shit off.'

A few of my friends have younger children that are at the age that they are learning to talk and understand, they point at Jamie and say "baby" and as I find myself replying "yes a baby" or something along those lines somewhere deep down my heart breaks a little each time because Riley hasn't said anything, let alone acknowledged that jamie actually exists apart from the odd gesture to put him down to drag us to help him get something from the fridge, he does the same if I'm on my phone so I'm not sure it counts as acknowledgement as such. That's getting off topic.
Don't get me wrong I'm super stoked for my friends and their little chatter boxes, it's so nice to hear and see them getting older and learning and seeing my friends faces when they hear them say things is such a beautiful thing.
So I just push this feeling that I can't describe and smile about it.
There's a 2 year age gap and these 1 year olds have a better vocabulary than Riley and in 6 months time chances are they will have overtaken him completely. They are starting to tell their parents things that feel we will never have with him.
Older children try with him but there's nothing and it's so hard to watch, play dates with children his age is impossible and feels pointless because there is no interaction so we end up left out.
Another parent told me about their 3 year old waking up early and getting into bed with them for cuddles but mr 3 doesn't stop talking, actual talking, I get the cuddles which, I am so grateful for of course, but aside from that I get screams and weird noises in my face.

Seeing this today was what I needed to make me realise I've been doing this a lot lately and I do need to cut that shit out because it's only been 8 months since we've been diagnosed and we are still getting our heads round a whole new ballgame.

So thank you. Thank you Bacon and Juice Boxes for reminding me not to compare our journey to everyone else's and pushing me away from what could have been a dark path to start going down.


It's been a while since I posted, so a quick update:
I'm sure I had a post ready to publish and then my waters broke and things have been more hectic than usual.
In case it wasn't clear we named b2Jamie, who was born on the 16th January, another perfect healthy boy and we couldn't be happier, of course.
My parents & sister came to visit for 2 weeks, that was a real eye opener on how difficult it is to be away but I was glad to show them why it had to be done.
There's been appointment after meeting after appointment for both boys and some real determination to get Riley to wear his glasses permanently and now that's sorted it's knuckle down time with our new speech therapist!
And
In a few weeks time we're getting a puppy, because there's never going to be a non chaotic busy time in our lives which is pretty clear to us with every passing day.

Update, I blame mum brain

Quite clearly, remembering to write a new post is harder than I thought, I blame mum brain, which I'm 100% sure is something that you get from day one of finding out you are pregnant and I'm yet to figure out when it ends. I'll usually remember when I'm in the shower, slightly impractical, or out at the supermarket and I don't think the other shoppers would appreciate me stopping mid aisle to write a post.

So 4 months later, merry Christmas, happy new year and all, here's what we've been up too...

After months and months of phone calls and referrals to every Tom, Dick and Harry we could think of we, finally had the diagnosis we expected; that our wee boy is on the spectrum.

Rewind several months ago or more ago and we were riding on grommets to solve all our problems, they were going to be a miracle so to speak and the hyperactive child who could not be tamed - or that's how it felt after me pulling my hair out and endless tears asking why being a parent is so hard- would be cool, calm and collected which is probably not a phrase used to describe many 2/3 year olds very often I now realise.

So it was a huge sigh of relief for us to be told, yes he is on the autism spectrum. And that was that, we all started a new chapter in learning about the world through our sons eyes and have been getting so much support left, right and centre it's amazing. I think I'll make another post during the week - if I remember- going into all the different organisations and support we have had.

That day, we came home, dad went back to work and I held the tears of relief back while watching our little boy who has no idea of the adventures were about to go on eat a bunch of grapes and watch monsters Inc until he took a danger nap - y'know the kind of nap where it's probably too late to expect a reasonable bedtime after, but you let them anyway because a grumpy toddler for the next couple of hours seems like hell.

It's scary to think that everything we know is changing for the best and the boy who took off his nappy pants and used a toy hammer to smash poo into the carpet - yes this happened, it doesn't only happen in the funny pictures you see shared on various social media groups - is now starting to listen to us and fly his helicopter round and make noises in the most beautiful way that we thought we would never experience with him, it's amazing how much of a difference it has made to us all by just being able to accept and embrace him as he is and not try to fit him in the box of what he should and shouldn't be doing at his age.

Riley has turned 3 since my first post and boy has he embraced being a threenager.

B2 (we haven't got a name yet) is due in a week and a half - it feels like there is about 900 days to wait- and it turns out choosing another boys name we agree on is extremely difficult. I'm mostly packed and prepared ready to go at a moment's notice and honestly don't think I have put much thought into giving birth and the rest of it, I must be due a meltdown very soon.

Despite the shambles of a start to summer which is more up and down than my hormones at the moment, a wee monkey who is expert in all things driving me loco and the stages of pregnancy I didn't get to experience last time - like stretch marks that are so itchy I may end up clawing the baby out by accident- the end to our year was a beautiful one with friends and family and the new year promises to be full of excitement from babies to seeing my parents for the first time in a year, which I fully intend to document it all on here, the good the bad and what I highly suspect to be most of, the ugly.

Saying sorry

It's hard to know where to start, seeing as the beginning seems like it was so long ago and I guess you could say were at the beginning of the middle because the end is nowhere near!

So I'm going to start by saying sorry!

Sorry to my not so little, almost 3 year old boy, sorry that, we had no idea you were hiding in my tummy, sorry you were put under stress that you were early, sorry we dragged you as a 2 week old on a 3 hour flight to new Zealand, sorry we didn't have a clue what we were doing and honestly still don't have the foggiest - I'm sure even super mums must make it up as they go along!

Sorry we moved to England when you were 6 months old, sorry we moved back when you were 2 and took you away from your biggest fans - grandma and grandad! Sorry everything has been so hard and sorry that now it turns out that you might be on the spectrum, I'm sorry that I probably loose my temper with you more than I should, -but really do you have to climb everything and make a mess behind me? Sorry that I don't understand you, your noises and actions yet!

Sorry to the most wonderful partner and father I could imagine. Sorry I'm grumpy and take it out on you, sorry I'm messy and unorganised, sorry I break down crying more than I like to admit, sorry I'm bossy and sorry for probably not showing you how much I appreciate everything you do for us as much as I should!

Sorry to the little boy I'm growing in my tummy, sorry I probably don't give you everything you need while your in there and sorry I wanted you to be a girl - it's not that I don't love your brother and you for being boys, it's just one of those things and don't get me started on what things will be like once your here!

But most of all, sorry I'm not sorry because! I'm not sorry being a mum is the hardest things I've ever had to do, it's the most rewarding but it is bloody hard and demanding and not at all as easy as my mum made it seem!

I know it's not my fault that I fell for a wonderful human who just do happens to be from the furthest possible place that I'm from that meant leaving my family behind to do what's best for ours or that my almost 3 year old could be on the spectrum of autism or one of the other possibilities!

I don't feel brave, but being a mum makes you brave from the minute that test is positive, so I'll keep trying and probably keep getting things wrong and I'll just keep making things up as I go along and hope for the best! 

That all said, I couldn't be happier with how things have worked out and all the adventures to come!