Saying sorry

It's hard to know where to start, seeing as the beginning seems like it was so long ago and I guess you could say were at the beginning of the middle because the end is nowhere near!

So I'm going to start by saying sorry!

Sorry to my not so little, almost 3 year old boy, sorry that, we had no idea you were hiding in my tummy, sorry you were put under stress that you were early, sorry we dragged you as a 2 week old on a 3 hour flight to new Zealand, sorry we didn't have a clue what we were doing and honestly still don't have the foggiest - I'm sure even super mums must make it up as they go along!

Sorry we moved to England when you were 6 months old, sorry we moved back when you were 2 and took you away from your biggest fans - grandma and grandad! Sorry everything has been so hard and sorry that now it turns out that you might be on the spectrum, I'm sorry that I probably loose my temper with you more than I should, -but really do you have to climb everything and make a mess behind me? Sorry that I don't understand you, your noises and actions yet!

Sorry to the most wonderful partner and father I could imagine. Sorry I'm grumpy and take it out on you, sorry I'm messy and unorganised, sorry I break down crying more than I like to admit, sorry I'm bossy and sorry for probably not showing you how much I appreciate everything you do for us as much as I should!

Sorry to the little boy I'm growing in my tummy, sorry I probably don't give you everything you need while your in there and sorry I wanted you to be a girl - it's not that I don't love your brother and you for being boys, it's just one of those things and don't get me started on what things will be like once your here!

But most of all, sorry I'm not sorry because! I'm not sorry being a mum is the hardest things I've ever had to do, it's the most rewarding but it is bloody hard and demanding and not at all as easy as my mum made it seem!

I know it's not my fault that I fell for a wonderful human who just do happens to be from the furthest possible place that I'm from that meant leaving my family behind to do what's best for ours or that my almost 3 year old could be on the spectrum of autism or one of the other possibilities!

I don't feel brave, but being a mum makes you brave from the minute that test is positive, so I'll keep trying and probably keep getting things wrong and I'll just keep making things up as I go along and hope for the best! 

That all said, I couldn't be happier with how things have worked out and all the adventures to come!